Recovering

Since Joshua died I have been finding it difficult to cope. North has written a lot about this, he has already mentioned my fitts and violence during this time. Until he stepped in front of me that last time, I had not actually realized what I was doing, I had not thought I was hurting anyone other than myself. But when I lashed out at North, I realized that I was putting him in danger, too. While I was dealing with my guilt he was suffering, haveing to deal with the monster and myself. I had almost forgotten why we were always moving, why we couldn't stay still. I have started thinking again, andI realize that even if I can't save my son there are many others who could still use the help, who still ned it. I'm not sure where I will go from here, but I realize now that I need to do something. I need a new focus.

Getting ourselves together.

We start falling apart the moment we lose sight of our objectives. Having a goal was what kept me going after my family died, and the lack of one was what almost killed me when I was trapped in the loop. Finding and saving Joshua was Shade's goal, and now that that's gone, he's...

Yeah, I think you get my point.

We need a course of action we can stick to in case things get bad. A plan. But first of all, we need to be prepared for whatever the Tall Man can throw at us. That's why I'm getting some new weapons.

In case you aren't informed, I grew up in a family of hunters. When I first left home and started running I had two handguns, a rifle and a hunting knife. I've relayed on the guns and knife the most, since carrying a rifle around trough the streets is probably not a good idea, but lately one of them has been malfunctioning a lot. It jams constantly. And I can't have that happen to us while in the middle of a fight.

I managed to squeeze some information out of Shade and contacted one of his "acquaintances". He cut me a deal for a taser. In exchange I'll give him the broken handgun (which I assume he will dismantle and sell as spare parts). Once we have that, I think we'll be ready to face proxies in case we come across them...

As for long term plans... now that's a good question. I don't want to say "running". We can't just cower away from Slendy forever, but I can't think of a better choice. I like to think the whole "Power in the numbers" thing still holds some weight, but after what I've seen... Well, lets just say the theory needs a reworking. For now, I'll just focus on keeping us alive.

Until the next time.

We're a fucking mess.

Just look at us. Look at what we've become. Look at what this thing has done to us.

Shade went from being a smart, strong, calm man to a ball of wrecked nerves. This thing took one of the few things that gave meaning to his life, and just like that, it tore it away. And there's nothing he or I can do about it.

And I went from being your everyday college student to... this. Whatever the fuck I am now. I can't even describe it. "Pile of shit" is probably the closest I'll ever get to it. Soaking with cheap vodka and wallowing in my own dirt, terrorized by nightmares of a life I used to know going away forever to be replaced by the hollowness of mere survival, by the fear that each sleep will be my last, that every time I turn a corner he'll be waiting for me, ready to put an end to it all, an end I want to see but yet I'm not yet prepared to, an unfinished play written by an author that has long ago moved on to bigger projects, never quiet forgotten, but yet never important enough to be remembered. Abandoned. Forsaken. Alone.

He went berserk again. Shade. Lost control and tried to throw the TV out the window. For the first time ever I tried to stop him, thought perhaps I could put an end to it. The black eye remains as a testimony to my failure. We left trough the fire escape so we wouldn't have to face the interrogations waiting for us at the lobby.

It was only when I fell from the stair into a deposit full of trash, the smell of piss and rot filling my nostrils, that I started wondering where it had all gone wrong.

I can't stay like this. I have to do something.