Thursday, June 21, 2012


Since Joshua died I have been finding it difficult to cope. North has written a lot about this, he has already mentioned my fitts and violence during this time. Until he stepped in front of me that last time, I had not actually realized what I was doing, I had not thought I was hurting anyone other than myself. But when I lashed out at North, I realized that I was putting him in danger, too. While I was dealing with my guilt he was suffering, haveing to deal with the monster and myself. I had almost forgotten why we were always moving, why we couldn't stay still. I have started thinking again, andI realize that even if I can't save my son there are many others who could still use the help, who still ned it. I'm not sure where I will go from here, but I realize now that I need to do something. I need a new focus.


  1. If it were easy to replace the only thing keeping you going, it probably wasn't all that important to begin with. Good luck.

  2. Keeping focus is good. You'll find that you want to keep your mind completely occupied, because if you don't, you'll start thinking about them and then you get sucked into a sort of black hole of despair. In fact, you need to keep your mind occupied all the time, even when you sleep, because the black hole? Is always waiting, always there just out of sight. You will get caught in it, you will get pulled in.

    The only consolation I can give is that the black hole gets smaller over time. It never goes away though.