Recovering

Since Joshua died I have been finding it difficult to cope. North has written a lot about this, he has already mentioned my fitts and violence during this time. Until he stepped in front of me that last time, I had not actually realized what I was doing, I had not thought I was hurting anyone other than myself. But when I lashed out at North, I realized that I was putting him in danger, too. While I was dealing with my guilt he was suffering, haveing to deal with the monster and myself. I had almost forgotten why we were always moving, why we couldn't stay still. I have started thinking again, andI realize that even if I can't save my son there are many others who could still use the help, who still ned it. I'm not sure where I will go from here, but I realize now that I need to do something. I need a new focus.

Getting ourselves together.

We start falling apart the moment we lose sight of our objectives. Having a goal was what kept me going after my family died, and the lack of one was what almost killed me when I was trapped in the loop. Finding and saving Joshua was Shade's goal, and now that that's gone, he's...

Yeah, I think you get my point.

We need a course of action we can stick to in case things get bad. A plan. But first of all, we need to be prepared for whatever the Tall Man can throw at us. That's why I'm getting some new weapons.

In case you aren't informed, I grew up in a family of hunters. When I first left home and started running I had two handguns, a rifle and a hunting knife. I've relayed on the guns and knife the most, since carrying a rifle around trough the streets is probably not a good idea, but lately one of them has been malfunctioning a lot. It jams constantly. And I can't have that happen to us while in the middle of a fight.

I managed to squeeze some information out of Shade and contacted one of his "acquaintances". He cut me a deal for a taser. In exchange I'll give him the broken handgun (which I assume he will dismantle and sell as spare parts). Once we have that, I think we'll be ready to face proxies in case we come across them...

As for long term plans... now that's a good question. I don't want to say "running". We can't just cower away from Slendy forever, but I can't think of a better choice. I like to think the whole "Power in the numbers" thing still holds some weight, but after what I've seen... Well, lets just say the theory needs a reworking. For now, I'll just focus on keeping us alive.

Until the next time.

We're a fucking mess.

Just look at us. Look at what we've become. Look at what this thing has done to us.

Shade went from being a smart, strong, calm man to a ball of wrecked nerves. This thing took one of the few things that gave meaning to his life, and just like that, it tore it away. And there's nothing he or I can do about it.

And I went from being your everyday college student to... this. Whatever the fuck I am now. I can't even describe it. "Pile of shit" is probably the closest I'll ever get to it. Soaking with cheap vodka and wallowing in my own dirt, terrorized by nightmares of a life I used to know going away forever to be replaced by the hollowness of mere survival, by the fear that each sleep will be my last, that every time I turn a corner he'll be waiting for me, ready to put an end to it all, an end I want to see but yet I'm not yet prepared to, an unfinished play written by an author that has long ago moved on to bigger projects, never quiet forgotten, but yet never important enough to be remembered. Abandoned. Forsaken. Alone.

He went berserk again. Shade. Lost control and tried to throw the TV out the window. For the first time ever I tried to stop him, thought perhaps I could put an end to it. The black eye remains as a testimony to my failure. We left trough the fire escape so we wouldn't have to face the interrogations waiting for us at the lobby.

It was only when I fell from the stair into a deposit full of trash, the smell of piss and rot filling my nostrils, that I started wondering where it had all gone wrong.

I can't stay like this. I have to do something.

SO AMY HAD A FIELD DAY ON OUR BLOG.

She read trough and commented on every single post. Now, I COULD go back and respond to each one of her comments, but that would probably take up a lot of time that I could be using for being emo and slacking off. Which means I'm taking the lazy-man's out on this one and just making a post answering all of her questions. And hey, she actually asked some pretty GOOD questions, so this might also serve as some sort of recap. Still, unless your name is Amy and you're well known for telling people how much they SUCK, fell free to skip this.

"Joshua".

Q: I think you knew far better why he left. Fear or anxiety wouldn't have been enough to drive him from your protection. What was it, really?

A: All I know is that Joshua and Shade weren't in the best of terms. He wasn't there during most of his childhood, so they weren't very close. If there was any other reason for his departure, Shade never told me. And honestly? I don't think there was anything else.

"Going to help" and "North is safe".

Q:And we know next to nothing about you, yet you think you can "help" us. Someone would have to be in a huge spot of trouble to accept anything from you.

Q:How brief and uninformative. I think you suffer from an inability to speak of yourself, my lovely Shade.

A: Not as much of a question, but I do wanna clarify: I was in a huge spot of trouble. Shit was past my neck and had already wrecked the motherfucking fan. I would have accepted help from the fucking SLENDERMAN if that would have gotten me out of that thing...

As for Shade's writing... he's quiet. He keeps things to himself. It has kept him alive 'till now, and saved him from things other than the Slenderman, so you can't really blame him for it...

"Helping North".

Q: Were there no questions asked at the hospital? Jeez, officials are so boring and trusting these days. -.-;;

A: We didn't go to a hospital. Shade knows people. He got some of his friends to patch us up. Not like we needed a lot of help anyways. I needed some serums and he needed some bandages. Nothing that a stop at the pharmacy couldn't solve...

"Target located".

Q:Question. What do you and Joshua actually.. do? Are you friends, are you proxies, are you lovers, are you Runners? So little information to go off of.

A: As you can probably guess now, Joshua is... was Shade's son.... not a lot else I can ad to that.

"Shade..."

Q: Because people are dumb and don't like the sound of their own voices?

A: Just for the record, I hate my own voice.

"An unfortunate occurrence"

Q:WHAT THE FUCK? NO QUESTIONS? Oh god, I hate bloggers some times. Pull your heads out of your asses, readers. I mean, goddamn, what did North see behind Shade? Why didn't Shade see it? What made North trip his shit? How long was he tripping his shit total? Why was Free even connected to Shade? Fucktards.. I throw my hands up at the lot of you.

A: I was actually kinda surprised no one asked these before...

• What I saw behind Shade: Well, I don't remember a lot from my little breakdown, but Shade and I have talked and... I don't think he can see the Slenderman. It's weird, he just... doesn't. Which means maybe I saw him? Or perhaps I was hallucinating. Either way, it doesn't matter now, does it?
• Why he doesn't see it: No fucking clue. Sorry. I wish I could figure it out so I would stop seeing him too...
• Why I tripped my shit: I'm gonna go all out and reveal personal issues and shit now: Sometimes I wake up believing I'm still in the house. I know I'm not there. I can see the place is different, I can recognize Shade's things, I remember he saved me, but... I don't know. I just can't convince myself I'm out yet. As if this were all some sort of huge illusion created by him and it would all break down any time now just to reveal I never left that damn place, those same fucking walls, the darkness, the cold, the hunger... I'm gonna shut up now.
• Free and Shade: They had worked together. That's all I know.

So, that should be it. Skipped some comments because they didn't seem very important. Hope that's okay, don't really care if it's not.

Until the next time.

Well, fuck everything then.

...Yeah, there's no good way to start this...

He's not doing well. He hasn't been ever since we heard about Joshua.

Josh, he... he was his kid. He was all the family he had left. Shades had been looking for him for so long, had traveled so far, talked to so many people, and just... fuck.

Then that FC asshole just comes in and takes it all away like he had some kind of right to end the kid's life. I just hope that fucking piece of scum is alive so he can get what's coming to him. I swear to god if I ever find him-
okay I'm gonna stop myself before I start blabbing on about my blood vengeance or some shit. That's not what I'm here to write about.

Shadow hasn't been doing well since that post went up. He'll sit around for hours being depressed and shit, just to get up and wreck absolutely everything around him. We've had to run away from like 10 hotels now because we can't afford to pay everything he broke. And I'm not about to fucking stop him. I've traveled with him long enough to know he would beat my ass in a fight. Besides, maybe it's for the better. He has to let it all out somehow.

I guess that's all I can do... right? Just let him vent his anger? I don't know. I'm not good with people. I never was. And I don't know what I can say to make things better for Shade. How do you even deal with this shit? He lost his damn family and I just...

...I don't think there's a good way to finish this either...

Until the next time...

About Joshua

He's dead, and it's my fault. I should have been able to protect him, to shelter him, but I couldn't. Because of me he sought out death, I have been a horible father.

Joshua is, was, my son, he was the only thing left in my life that I cared about, and I failed him. From the very beggining I was a failure, I wasn't there for him. When he was young, while he grew up I was in prison, a criminal. That was all I ever was for him, all I was ever able to be. Fifteen years for Grand Larceny in the Second Degree. They didn't even catch me at my worst crimes, but it was still enough to put me in jail, for my sons entire childhood. Amanda never forgave me. I knew she wouldn't, not with Joshua there, to see what a failure his father was, to see the follies of my crime. But I always loved them both, as best I could, and so the first thing I did when I got out was try to find them.

I tracked them down, it took weeks to do without violateing parole, but I found them.

It was too late.

Amanda was dead. I found where they were staying and as soon as I entered the apratment I saw her body, what was left of it anyways. She had been ripped apart, and Joshua was just standing there, alone. I made him tell me what happened, about the monser. How it hunted them, and how it killed my wife.

So I took my son and we ran. I tried to teach him how to survive, but he didn't trust me. We had been barely moveing for more than a month when he told me he could not run with me any longer. We fought, he was angry, he thought because I had not seen the monster like he had that I could not help him. He thought that because I was never there for him when it was all just starting he Could not trust me. Maybe he was right. I did not stop him. I let me son go.

I let him die.
S

Back for clues

After the most recent posts on this blog I realized that there was only a small window of opportunity to find more evidence on Joshua's location. Unfortunately we only got there today, and it was clear that "Freedomcaged" was long gone by this point, either on the run or taken by the monster. Most evidence points to the latter, which means I will never get to ask him properly about my apprentice. When we met before I could tell he was not being honest, but I didn't have enough information to push him more, and now I have lost the opportunity forever.

Still I could not let myself gain nothing from the situation, so North and I returned to the area and investigated his the dormitory room he resided in. Getting in was no problem and once we were there it was quickly apparent he had not had the opportunity or intention of concealing anything. His laptop was sitting open on a desk in the corner, right next to a pistol loaded with four bullets. I took the gun and his hard drive while North searched the rest of the room. Unfortunately he essentially ransacked the room, however we were more concerned with speed than subtlety at that point. Still North will require more training in an ordered covert search method, I think he was enjoying himself too much.

Unfortunately we didn't find anything of potential use in locating Joshua. I am going to spend the night going through it to see if I can learn anything. Hopefully by morning I will have a new lead.
S